nesS

Freak - Chapter 2

2008-05-26T09:33:00.000+01:00

[warning]: Contains Boy's Love

Freak - Chapter 2

It hadn’t gone that wrong for a first day. Matthew felt relieved in a way. It wasn’t exactly easy clicking with a new band on the first rehearsal; he had to meet the members and was yet to find the right tone in the songs on top of that.
He wasn’t sure why they had started needing a new guitarist, they had two already if he counted with the lead singer, but better for him he guessed. If it wasn't for that he’d never have found these guys and truth was he was glad he had. He really liked the music; all the band members were seemingly pleasant nice guys; and they were much in accord with his own personal sense of style.
The rehearsal was almost over and he couldn’t help being nervous to either getting the props for being good, or being reprehended for sucking at it by one, or more, of the guys. He thought he’d done well. But you never know what others make of your effort.
He took a quick look to a pair of chairs in the corner, in one of which there was a guy sitting. Even if they hated him, at least it had been worth it. Who was him…? Matthew didn’t know what to make of him; there was just something about the guy… He couldn’t really tell how tall he was since he was sitting, but he could tell he was skinny, with these piercingly greens that hypnotized him. For some reason, the guy didn’t seem aware of it; he tried to hide them behind a messy looking hair that covered his face making him look innocently cute. He wasn’t aware of Matthew looking at him either, but he didn’t dare to stare much more; he couldn’t risk being noticed.
They were done. The rehearsal had just ended. Matthew took the guitar stripe off of him and laid it on the floor against one of the amplifiers. Now was the daring moment of truth.
‘Nice job dude! You’re good.’ A tall guy had come to him. He was very cute and Matthew asked himself why he hadn’t noticed him that much. ‘I’m Spike’- a wide smile opened in the guy’s face as a leaned a hand towards Matthew- ‘I got here a little late today so I didn’t have the opportunity to introduce myself and all that. I’m the drummer here… and you are…?’ He looked at Spike curiously, finally letting out his own hand and shaking Spike’s in greeting. That was a rather interesting guy, and his blue eyes were something to equal the stranger’s greens.
‘I’m Matthew, but I usually go by Matt. I'm...'- he pointed to his guitar- …the new guitarist; and that’s my Princess…-he smiled a little shyly, as if afraid he’d exposed himself too much for letting Spike know about his “princess”.
‘I noticed… and she’s beautiful men - Spike winked at him and smiled understandingly. He was sure now it was no big deal-…so you met the guys?’- Spike pointed out to the other and members whom were either storing their instruments or talking to the mysterious guy in the corner he was yet to meet. The boy was now standing and smiling. Matt couldn’t help to notice how gorgeous his smile was.
Looking up, he realized the other boy, Spike, was still waiting for him to answer. ‘Huh, let me see…’ – he thought about it for a little trying to remember the introductions that took place a few hours before . ‘The guy with the blond and black hair is the lead singer, Isaac!’- Matt looked up in search of approval in Spike’s eyes, which he found, and carried on- ‘The one with all the piercings and green hair is Oly…’ Oly waved nicely in approval from across the room and started walking towards them.
‘Go on…’
‘The one with the striped hoodie next to him’ – he pointed out to the person next to Oly – ‘blond and black hair; that’d be...’ – he thought about it for a second before answering – ‘Isaac, our lead singer.’
Spike nodded consentingly and allowed Matthew to carry on. ‘And then we have Zack, tattooed all over’ – he let out a soft laughter that didn’t mean he either disapproved or mocked the fact. This was clear to Spike, who understood the smile and smiled back at him- ‘he’s our guitarist number two and screamer.’
Matt knew he had it right on the names and patiently waited as Oly drew near them, in what seemed to him as slow motion. He was still thinking about whom that was, the mysterious guy that had now caught up with Oly and was approaching them as well. He felt an awkward something inside and stood there, silent. He had to ask who that was, and time was running out as they approached. Matt certainly didn’t want to look embarrassed or make a fool of himself when they were introduced, so he had to know pre-hand, or first impression would be a total waste.
‘So....’ – He gave a particular tone to that “so...”, hoping he didn’t actually have to finish the question and that Spike would instinctively understand, but as soon as he looked at him inquisitively Matt knew he had to. ‘Who’s “him”?’
Spike’s eyes turned slowly and fell upon him. He could feel them scanning his own, trying to penetrate his mind and figure out his inner thoughts. He quickly looked down, trying to secure himself from the penetrating gaze before Spike could figure him out. This was a stupid thought all for itself, but nonetheless he felt insecure. He was supposed to be the one able to scan people that way, not someone else being able to scan him. Spike straightened his head and made a brief pause, his eyes unreadable with an apathetic expression, and then looked behind himself as his friends approached.
‘Him?’ Spike gave a subtle turn to his head in the unknown character’s direction. He could tell Spike knew who he meant, but was for some reason not wanting it to be true. Oly and the boy stopped side to side with Spike, and as the boy drew a wide, beautiful smile on his lips, Oly remained in a wise like peaceful expression and limited his greeting to a slow blink of his eyes and an unspoken “hello” drawn in his lips.
‘This is Alex’ – Spike’s arm flew around the boy’s shoulder before Matt even had the time to process the newly come information. Alex showed a little embarrassment with the embrace, but that only made Spike hold him tighter. ‘He came with me...’ – an accentuating edge was given to the “me”. Oh...- ‘my best friend.’
Oh... Right away Matt understood it, and saw his chances being washed away, like a sand grain under tropical rain. Looking at Spike’s face now he understood him. It was no longer unreadable but rather quite clear; without a doubt, pure jealousy. He acted like a mother not wanting to let go of her son once she realized he’d grown up. The situation going on there was crystal clear, and though Alex didn’t seem in any way aware of it Spike sure was. And he wasn’t letting anyone take away, or even approach for that matter, his “baby”. Or in this case, the boy he was in love with.
He unconsciously sulked with his realization but quickly returned to reality and looked at the newcomer. ‘Nice to meet you Alex’ – he laid out a hand, carefully studying his own movements so he wouldn’t do anything to trigger Spike’s defensive mode.
‘Oh, hey!’ – Alex, whom was looking curiously at him, gave a quick shake to his head and a cute expression was drawn in his face –‘Nice to meet you,…’ – Alex’s words searched for a name, insinuatingly pleading for Matt to finish his sentence. Matt on the other hand, was only feeling frustrated for having to control the sudden urge to hug him and kiss him. It was unusual for him to be so strongly attracted to someone.
‘Matt…’ – he finished the other boy’s sentence, pulling away from his thoughts – ‘I’m Matt, the new guitarist.’ He took a quick look at Spike, somehow assuring it was okay for him to even state that. Since no defiant glare thrown in his direction he asked casually – ‘How did you end up here?’
‘Oh, Spike’s staying over at my place for the weekend…’ – Alex slightly turned his head in the direction of the person he was embracing, looking up at him. Spike looked back in an assuring manner, and Alex spoke at Matt again – ‘…so I came to the rehearsal instead of just staying home and sleeping. I actually had to get him out of bed to come here’ – Alex laughed softly and rolled his eyes up at Spike happily. Something in his eyes shimmered brighter, an almost worship gaze could be noticed in them.
‘I’ve been meaning to come for quite a while now, so yeah…’ – the boy scratched the back of his neck shyly, looking cute.
‘Oh, I see. That’s… cool.’ He looked from Alex to Spike for a couple of seconds. The guy seemed to be enjoying himself, taking pleasure in the fact that Matt knew he could do nothing about it. He was defiantly not letting go.
‘So, why don’t we all go grab a cup of coffee or something?’
Matt’s gaze turned the opposite way, only to realize Oly was there with them, looking at him in a questioning but pleasant manner. He’d forgotten all about him. Truth was, he hadn’t really noticed the green hair, full arms tattooed, face pierced boy, but for some reason it felt like the boy’s eyes had been scanning him for quite a while.
Matt was observant when it came to people, he had to be. In fact he’d learned how to be over time so he shouldn’t have missed that detail. Mistakes were a risk followed by high consequences, and for his own good there was no affording to make them. He was now questioning what it was about Oly that he was seeing. Matt was usually very good at reading people but this one, this one was clearly a hard one. Besides, all those initial thoughts on Alex were pointless. That battle was lost before it started.

---
‘So guys, me and Alex are gonna head back home ‘kay? It’s running late…’ – Spike’s smile was a bit awkward and uncomfortable. Half for being there and half for being the one to call them back to reality.
While Spike had been talking to the rest of the guys and with Alex, who was drawing something not quite perceptible and loosing himself in the now dark ocean ahead of them from time to time, he and Oly, strangely enough, had failed to notice the time running past them.
Matt looked up, only to notice the already orange-pink sky turning into a dark blue, meaning the afternoon was over, and the conversation forcefully ended. He looked a little embarrassed at the guy’s comment and couldn’t help but feel that they somehow knew something he didn’t. Something about either him or Oly was undoubtedly getting through to them.
‘Yea we’re heading home too guys.’ Isaac said that with the same tone he had noticed, and hated, in the other boy’s voice seconds ago.
One by one, everyone started distributing handshakes and goodbyes; deciding who was heading where and walking away to random directions. Matt’s mind slowed down during the process. He was only vaguely aware of all the commotion happening around him. It all got through to him as a quick flash.
‘Are you okay Matt?’ Oly’s voice sounded distant, but approaching, like guiding him back from a deep sleep, into a vivid dream.
‘Sorry’- Matt had a way of blacking out from time to time. ‘You were saying?’

Usually when a conversation was being held he was fully concentrated, barely noticing anything other than what was being said, whereas there was no way he could keep up with a mix of crossed dialogues, especially when directed at him.
It was actually not a bad thing sometimes, especially when it was his father babbling and yelling at him.
When Matt was little, about four years old, his mother left him and his father. He had never found it in himself to forgive her, for as far as he could tell his father never was parental material. He’d learned to trust only a few people, and even those were in no need to know everything. Since his mother’s departure, all his dad did was drink, yell and sleep. When he slept, Matt almost imagined he was living alone, on his own account, taking refuge in the only still sane division in that house, his room.
Though an evident mess, with all kinds of band posters spread randomly across the walls and ceiling, he had covered the wooden floor with black tapestry. On the wall further from the door a sole mattress was carelessly placed in the floor. Though it did seem to be a bed, if closely looked at, it wasn’t one. Someone, him, had just covered it in a way that it all worked together, and that small detail was easily dismissed. If there was something in that room that you could tell about Matt’s interests, that something was art.
Art was all over everything e owned. The walls were literally written on with all kinds of colours, sizes and contents, with paintings and drawings placed in them. A various number of canvases were lain around in the floor. Piles of papers were stacked in a little desk and on the surrounding floor, all with countless amounts of texts and drawings.
Brushes were abandoned all over, and everywhere stains of colourful dye had been spilled, not only on the walls, but on the tapestries below them as well. On another corner there was a special space for his princess, the only lady ever considered in his life, his guitar.
That was another thing about him, and he had no problem saying it. No lady had ever come into his life. Matt considered himself to be bi, though everyone he’d ever liked were boys he didn’t remain indifferent to all girls. His dad had long realized it and had uselessly yelled before giving it up and deciding not to care, as he did face everything else.
Coming to think about it, the only reason the house was still holding in place was him. He cleaned, he cooked, and he paid the bills. Since the age of twelve, when his father was once and for all fired from his life job, Matt had had to find a way to fix the situation. His father wouldn’t. He’d worked in various jobs alongside with school. For quite a while now he had a stable job working as a chef on a little pasta house every day after school and on the weekends. And that was about it.
Matt didn’t have much free time for things most of the time. Truth was he didn’t have much of anything to allow himself to the luxury of having friends, for he was always too busy.
The sad truth hit him from time to time, though he had learnt to ignore it. Ironically, he was actually really good at dealing with people; dealing with them and seeing right through them. A big motive for his lack of people to go to also laid on the fact that in his school there was a non existing stack of good people, and most of them looked at him sideways. He could kind of understand them though. He was unlike anyone else in that school, and his will to follow the cloned, status quo obsessed army was equal to none.
Maybe deviant was what they thought. Matt on the other hand saw puppets. He could almost see the little strings attached to them, not their bodies though, their brains. Think alike mindless dolls, despising the new and the different, fearing to actually be someone worth knowing, worth talking to; not striving to be more than a mere waste of space and actually make a difference.
Such wasted minds made him think about whether or not humans had evolved, mentalities had evolved, until he realized, as he always did, that some things would come back and forward and remain unchanged, unfortunately to us all.
Eventually Matt would meet someone that caught his interest. Most of the time some random guy or girl who got fascinated over him, not that they understood him at all, and whom he’d date for a short period of time, just until it became evident that they too were mere puppets, trying to play a different game, but eventually being uncovered as “do-as-everyone-else-does” types of individuals, with no individual thing about their boring selves.
During these "relationships", though you can hardly call them that, Matt usually remained unharmed. He was always cautious not to get too close and let people know him.
Though lacking human contact, so to say, Matthew was one of those people who simply understood, and saw right through everything, the why his words, when put into paper, sounded so wise and ancient.
Just a week ago, when going to a local gig, Matt heard that the band in question was searching for a new guitarist and saw there a brilliant opportunity. He had always planed on making it in some artistic career, the music business being considered as such, and his thoughts quickly took over him right then and there. The thought of taking part in a successful band, to earn money for his talent, not work for someone else, blew him away.
He tried it. He auditioned. And he made it. Though one of the members was missing on the day he was admitted, he soon got to know everyone. One thing he already knew from the gig, at the very least, those guys were good. And the opportunities presented for him then were more than he’d ever imagined.

‘Good I lost you again…’ – Oly sighed deeply and caught Matt’s gaze in his, continuing – ‘Do you get like that very often?’
‘Quite often, yes.’ Matt was still looking blankly into the never-ending dark ocean ahead of them while answering, before being caught by Oly’s piercing eyes. - ‘But anyways…’ - he turned his head quickly - ‘…what was that you were talking about?’
‘Right.’ Oly slowly run his fingers through the back of his head and, Matt could have sworn, almost blushed, before he put on a face that Matt had by now found to be so characteristic in him; a calm and serious expression. He spoke again.
‘I was thinking of a possible way to solve your freedom problem…’
Without realizing it, Matt had confided in that person and had told him about how he wanted to change places as soon as possible. It was very unlike him to do so, and he had just realized what he’d done. Though he may come through as a very talkative and trusting person, always casually hidden under a "happy" loving person cover, inside he was much like Oly, an apparent wall of the heaviest metal keeping him safely sheltered inside. The difference was that Oly, unlike him, purposefully distanced himself from outsiders.
‘It may sound weird since we’ve practically just met and all, but I’ve been looking for a roommate for quite a while now…’ Oly’s eyes seemed intrigued and uncertain, but still distant, and maybe misinterpreted as cold, while his voice, sounding absolutely normal, seemed to Matt to be as unease, uncertain and fearsome as his eyes, longing expectantly for the answer. After all, he always saw right through people.
Oly carried on while Matt paid extra attention to his every word.
‘I have a quite spacious apartment. My parents aren’t exactly what you’d call "poor"... But I’m paying the bills myself. I don’t want any more of their help. Everyone I interviewed for it to the date was too... well let’s just say I didn't quite picture us getting along that well.’ Oly looked for approval, or disapproval, in his face and, unable to find them, proceeded, sounding less and less certain.
‘You, on the other hand, sound like and seem like a very decent guy. And we’ll be playing together from now on and all...”
He started to vaguely show an increasing interest for the other boy’s case. ‘What do you say? The rent is what you’d call fairly low. And attending to the size and location, it’s a real bargain. Besides, you’d gain a friend and a roommate.’ – Oly cocked up an eyebrow and for once looked slightly amused, drawing a teasing smirk – ‘Up for it?’
The proposal floated in his mind for a good minute, one that seemed to him like a full hour. All the information started rushing to his mind, tracing links, connecting dots, until it finally hit him. What the guy had said minutes ago. “…a way to solve your freedom problem…” The words echoed in his head and a glow, a natural and joyful glow started showing in his eyes, and in his smile. But this time, Matt was glowing on the inside too. He could picture his life becoming easier to bare. “…besides, you’d gain a friend…”
He opened his mouth slightly. First to draw a smile, that he quickly covered up by biting on his lower lip, while he looked into the boy’s eyes to check for truth and confirmation; then to ease his newly made friend’s mind and say:
‘Where do I sign in?’

Freak - Chapter 1

2008-03-14T11:13:00.002Z

Alex looked reluctant face task ahead of him. He didn’t want to do the presentation. Well not only because he hadn’t properly prepared it, but also for the lack of time he’d had. Couldn’t they see he had more important matters to focus on other than school?

“So?”- Mrs. Cannon asked-“Doing the presentation or not Mr. Higgins?”-she added a sarcastic face with the saying, which made the class turn staring at him, and Alex hated when people did that.

“Uh…yea, I mean, yes Mrs. Cannon”-he babbled. He was really nervous about speaking in public as always-“just a second, I’m just…”-he gathered a bunch of paper in his desk-“ok, I got it. Thank you for…-he lost his balance, dropping all his work onto the classroom’s floor.

The bell rang, and all his classmates hurried out the door with in fuzz, laughing and gossiping, obviously at what had just happened, which only contributed to making him feel even worse. Mrs. Cannon rolled her eyes, looking deeply annoyed -“You’ll do your presentation on thursday Higgins. Now pick everything up and close the door behind you when you leave”. She started heading towards the door remarking-“…always the same Higgins, it’s unbelievable”.

He found himself alone in the room. Picking up all of his papers, he put them back into his messenger’s bag. He leaned against the wall and slid his back against it till he sat on the floor. Tired. He was deeply tired of all this and couldn’t wait for school to end. Besides, where would History be of any use to him? Except if he signed up for one of those question answering television contests which, lets make clear, he wouldn’t, his life was embarrassing and ridiculous enough as it was, let alone with those. The fact that he was in a new school didn’t help neither. He’d moved there since the beginning of the school year, and was he sick already.

‘Alex?’ A voice came in from the door interrupting his thoughts. ‘Oh there you are! Where else, right?’ A boy stood there. He was tall, taller than Alex, which was hard since he wasn’t that short himself. He had black silky hair, styled in this “emoish” way, with some purple stripes to it. His eyes were highly unique and of a deep turquoise, very bright, with some yellow reflexes to it, as if out of a drawing. The boy was very skinny aswell, and wore some black skinny pants with a colourful t-shirt, “Fosters home for imaginary friends” he noticed. Yes, that was probably the reason that made him manage to step foot in that school for so long now. That was Spike, one of the few people he could call friend since he’d gotten there.

‘Hey, you listening to me?’ he realized Spike had just moved closer to him and was now kneeling down on the floor next to him.

‘Oh yeah, was just…’

‘Cleaning the floor with your clothes?’ Spike stood up and gently offered him a hand, as if to help him up, raising his eyebrows to go with the teasing smile and the sarcastic tone on his voice.

‘What?’ He sounded a bit confused, and looked around himself - ‘Oh that, no…’ – he laughed a little and took the other boy’s hand and he helped himself up.

‘I was wondering where you’d gone, but you’re still here strangely enough.’

‘Don’t be meany now Spike’- he frowned face the teasing smile on his friend’s face.

‘Okay, okay, sorry now’- Spike moved his arm easily around Alex’s shoulders, due to his height – ‘You just make it so easy though.’

As they stepped out of the classroom door, Spike holding Alex’s bag, they had a stop by their lockets, which were right next to each other.

‘So Alex, are you so sad you can’t stand on your feet anymore, or was that just a lame attempt to cry out for attention?’ he looked to his left and saw a classmate of his and a bunch of others who quickly laughed at the guy’s little attempt for a joke.

Spike, whose locker was just to Alex’s right, had been missed out by the jokers due to his locker’s door being open, and closed it noisily, throwing a nasty look at them. Spike could easily overpower them, which he could tell they knew and made them scared, was even a good 2 inches taller than the guys.

‘Now, now “Brat” why don’t you leave him alone and go bother someone with your own IQ? Oh wait, you can’t beat up preschool kids can you? Dang…’Alex thought of letting out a laugh but quickly hide it.

‘Name is Brad you moron!’. The look on the guy’s face was both angry and frustrated; he knew he couldn’t stand against Spike.

‘Oh I knew that, but brat just fits you so much better! Now if you’ll excuse us, we have stuff to do other than studying the behaviour of an inferior subspecies’ Spike smiled sarcastically, it could tell he was enjoying himself. To this, Brad turned to Alex, along with his mates, and directed his speech at Alex.

‘Need your boyfriend to stand up to you now do you? Can’t even defend yourself you…’

‘He can brat’- Spike interrupted - I just find so much joy in doing it that I get in his way’. Alex couldn’t be more relieved by the intervention, he never knew what to answer in these kinds of situations; he was too shy. This, however, made Brad look defiantly towards Spike, whom replied with a “what??” look.

‘Shall we Alex?’ Alex couldn’t hear him though. His mind had frozen when Brad mentioned Spike as his boyfriend. Had he noticed it aswell? It wasn’t even like he saw Spike in that way or anything, he didn’t; he couldn’t possibly like another guy… Did Brad really mean it? Did he think it looked that way? And why on earth didn’t Spike argument on that? Spike didn’t seem worried at all, it’s like he hadn’t even heard it! Was he actually okay with people thinking that about him? Maybe he was just freaking out for no reason; maybe the reason why he didn’t say anything was that he…

‘Hey, Alex? You hearing me?’ Was he talking to him? He could tell Spike looked dazzled, trying to figure out what was going on inside his head.

‘Maybe your girlfriend froze with fear; see the shocked look on his face?’ Brad speaking sounded stupid to him, but that had made his groupies laugh along again at another one of his humourless attempts for a joke.

‘Why don’t you shut it before I make you “freeze with fear” by shutting you up myself?’

The guy shot a last look at Spike. ‘Let’s go guys.’

As they all walked away from the two of them, Spike placed a hand on Alex’s shoulder –‘Hey, you okay?’ Don’t listen to what those “wannabe bullies” say, they’re just plain ignorant jerks with no life, and find nothing better to do but to pick on others.’

Alex’s eyes widened. Was he touching him? Was that…? No, he was being paranoid! That was his friend; friends do that kind of things all the time, it’s no big thing… But why had Brad’ words got to him?

‘Huh yea, right’ –he hadn’t really listened, his mind was someplace else – ‘and thanks for backing me up there.’ – He drew a gentle smile on his face, but quickly regretted in and cleared his throat, as to sound manlier. ‘No problem’- Spike said, who didn’t seem to have noticed that though and a smile widened on his lips- ‘Always there for you, you know that.’

And as a matter of fact he did know it. Spike was a smart guy, the smartest there really. He always got straight A’s in every class, and despite that he had always been… well cool!, and with a great attitude, one that kicked Bradford Red’s ass necessary, as he had just witnessed in first hand. Coming to think about it, you wouldn’t make all that just by looking at him. Spike looked like your deviant school-skipping rebel kind of kid but, as he had discovered over the past few months, there was a lot more to Spike than met the eye.

‘So’ – Spike took a look at his watch- ‘it has been twenty five minutes since the bell rang, that meaning school’s ended.’

‘Oh – Alex followed the movement and took a quick look at the clock hanging on the school’s corridor- ‘you’re right. Sorry I made you wait’- he slammed his locker’s door closed.

‘No problem’- Spike smiled-‘I don’t mind. So want to grab something to eat? We can make a stop by that cool little pasta house on the way to Broken Edge, and go home or hit a movie afterwards or something. It’s Thursday after all and tomorrow being a holiday, we have a long weekend ahead of us.’ The look on Spike’s face was so happily natural that Alex wished he could have captured the moment and kept it a while longer. He found himself lost again but quickly recovered before his friend noticed and the situation got awkward. ‘Sounds great to me.’- Alex answered with a cute smile but quickly remembered- ‘And by the way, my parents will be going out of town to visit grandmother Lucy during the weekend’-the smile on his face quickly changed to a indecisive expression, not knowing what reaction to expect from his friend- ‘and they’ll be staying there. they’ll be taking my little sister, but they’ve also given me the choice of not going with them, since I went last time, and they trust I’m old enough to stay home by myself and all.’

‘Awe, little Alexander is all grown up now isn’t he?’ Spike spoke sarcastically, but adorably, as he pinched Alex’s cheek mimicking what old ladies do to children. Alex however frowned and shove Spike’s hand off.

‘They don’t call me that; nor laugh at me, cut it out…’ Spike didn’t seem to care for the intimidating gaze he gave him though. ‘Sorry, but you look too cute when you’re mad like that.’

‘Huh…’- he blushed heavily. Could that be noticed?

‘Awe he blushed on me!’ Well apparently it could. Spike laughed softly while covering his mouth; this made Alex throw another discontent gaze at him. ‘Sorry, sorry… You were saying?’

‘Oh, right. I mean, I don’t know if I’m going or not just yet… I guess it depends on what you’ll be doing this weekend.’

‘How so?’- Spike seemed intrigued.

‘Well,’- he looked down so Spike couldn’t tell the shyness he was sure his eyes reflected. He never handled requests like this well, even if it was just a friend - ‘if you don’t have something particularly interesting planed out for the weekend maybe you could stay at my place you know, hang out and all.’

‘Loved to!’ The tone on his friend’s voice went up in an excited and thrilled way that made Alex jump back at the suddenness as he let out a wide smile to go with it. ‘I’m bore to death of my parents already and I’m sure it’s reciprocated, so they’ll give me the thumbs up anyways. We just need to stop by my house to get my stuff and then we’ll head off to yours.’

They had been walking for a while now and could no longer see the school behind them. Spike pulled on Alex’s arm, changing their direction from the pasta restaurant to his place and started walking faster in content with himself and the just made plans. Alex stopped abruptly.

‘Wow Spike, wait…’ Spike stopped too and turned his head back in a questioning manner, as if asking why they had stopped. Alex continued- ‘I have plenty of stuff at home that you can wear!, besides, it’s not like you need to look perfect or anything when it’s a guy’s weekend right?’ Spike thought about it for a minute and then changed his expression to one of agreement. ‘Right…’ - Spike laughed softly- ‘I’ll just call my mother when I get to your place.’

‘Good. All I need to do is let my mother know I’m staying. I’ll text her…- he got his mobile out and started clicking the buttons at light speed- ‘she is probably picking up Kiki to leave by now so I think they’ll be going directly to my granny’s house.’- he put his mobile back onto his pocket- ‘There.’

‘‘kay cool. So where’re we heading now, your place?’

‘Either that or the pasta house. I have food at home though.’

‘Hmmm…’

‘And yes, you can eat it! I’ll make you something. You forget I’m a vegan too now?’

‘Right’- Spike pointed up in understanding, Alex could tell he’d forgotten about that detail-‘Okay, then your house it is.’ –Spike smiled and Alex was happy to make lunch for both of them.

That was another thing about Spike, he was vegan. To top all the things that were good about him, and having a friend like him, he neither ate nor wore animals, and he had recently turned him vegan aswell. He had now started seeing Spike as a role model of some kind, for everything Spike did just seemed to contribute more to his already existing perfection as a person; a person whom Alex would one day like to be as.

It hadn’t been that hard on him to get his parents to accept this change in his life. Thought they laughed a little at first and didn’t think it would last long, they’d sent him to a nutritionist and all since the major concern was their “baby boy’s” health. And not drinking cow milk or other dairy products hadn’t been that much of a change neither since his mother had always been a soy milk/soy products nutty. She loved all of those things and Alex had been brought up to like them aswell so it was easy for him in that aspect.

‘A penny for your thoughts?’ The sound of Spike’s voice seemed to bring him back to reality.

‘Uhm? Oh, it’s nothing.’ – he realised he’d been awkwardly silent for a while now and they were almost arriving at his house.

‘Well I’m certainly not wasting a penny on that!’ Spike said sarcastically which made Alex laugh slightly -‘Care to develop?’

‘I know, but really it’s nothing. Just wondering what we’ll do with so much time on our hands!’

‘I’m positive we’ll figure something out’- Spike winked at him while opening the garden gate.

‘I’m sure too!’ Alex had livened up and smiled happily.

The two boys went up the few steps on the porch and made their way into the house. It would be a long weekend….They had no idea.

‘Morning sleepy head…’

That such caring voice woke Alex up but it didn’t seem to be his mother’s. He opened one eye, half sleepy, half curious and thanked that whoever it was this person waking him up was kind enough to not to let too much light in the room; it was so hard when he was forced to wake into a room filled with an astounding amount of brightness. He slowly started finding shape, and then Spike’s face appeared before him, clear as ever. He remembered now. Spike was staying over for the weekend. Flashes of the previous night flooded him rapidly.

After having a very light, very healthy lunch, they went outside for a swim in the pool until dusk. For dinner they had popcorns and candy, staying the first half of the night playing monopoly and talking about life; Spike always won at monopoly, he was far more gifted the game than Alex was and smarter too. The other half was spent watching promiscuous teenage comedies and laughing stupidly. Strangely enough he couldn’t recall coming to bed at all. Maybe they’d drank or something, though he had no memory of that neither, and he’d came to bed on his own just too drunk to remember any of it. It was still not fitting…

‘How did I…?’

‘You fast asleep halfway through American Pie’- Spike had already made out the question without him even finishing it; he laughed softly and carried on explaining- ‘I carried you up here and laid you to bed. You just seemed so awkwardly uncomfortable in that strange pose you were sleeping in on the sofa. Didn’t want your back to hurt.’ Spike’s smile was caring like parent.

‘Oh’- he was definitely not expecting that as an outcome- ‘thanks but… where did you…?’

‘There.’ Spike pointed out to the floor showing a sleeping bag and a pillow all in an organize mess, clearly showing someone had just slept there. Spike had guessed what he wanted to say again, and he went on- ‘I remember where you’d left them last time.’- Spike drew a smile that was both adorable and proud, proud of himself for being so useful and handling the situation so well without any help.

‘Dude’- Alex just waved his head in astonishment- ‘you’re the best!’

‘Yea, I know.’ Spike did have a reason to play perfect.

Both boys laughed. Alex found it comforting in a way that though Spike and him were about the same age, few months difference, Spike was a year ahead and acted like it aswell. Sometimes he’d just acted like a mother and truth is, Alex didn’t care that much. He liked the way Spike treated him.

‘So, want to go downstairs with me and have some pancakes? I just baked some.’- Spike’s tone was kind and slow, not forgetting that Alex had just woke- ‘You have fresh squeezed orange juice and syrup, jam and chocolate to go in the pancakes’- Spike widened a smile and winked at him playfully- ‘All vegan obviously!’

‘Don’t mind if I do!’

The getting up process took Alex ten more minutes, during which Spike had been hit by sleep again and was now joining him, eyes closed and laying down next to him on the bed.

‘What time is it?’ Neither one of them could be arsed to open their eyes.

‘About ten…’- Spike spoke vaguely, still not opening his eyes.

‘Why didn’t you let me sleep until noon?’- The tone on his voice was a bit cranky.

‘Couldn’t sleep again. Though now...’- Spike’s tone let him know he was getting sleepy again- ‘Besides, you just had to try on my pancakes.’

‘So that’s what it is about! I see...’

Spike rolled over Alex playfully in response, while he tried to fight him back kicking and punching with harmless intentions. Spike finally got tired and rolled back to where he had been, breathing heavily. Alex, though he didn’t leave his spot, was equally tired from resisting.

‘Didn’t you have rehearsal today or something?’

‘Still do, but I called in saying I’d miss it already in the morning. After all you invited me over, so...’

‘You dumbass! I’ll go with you!’-he rushed up the bed and pulled on Spike’s arm- ‘Come on, when were you supposed to get there?’

‘Ten thirty...’- Spike pulled back on Alex’s arm making him fall on top of him- ‘Ouch!’- Spike contracted a little with a smirk.

‘Well who told you to pull me?’- he punched his friend’s stomach as to make him moan with pain again- ‘Now let’s go, come on! Up!’ Spike whined sleepily.

‘Hmpff... What happened to “wake me up at noon”’?

‘We don’t want to make your pancakes cold now do we?’ his smile was ironic and made Spike respond.

‘Alright, alright, we’ll go!’- Spike rolled his eyes teasingly- ‘Damn you can be annoying.’

Alex showed a bit concern at this but it soon vanished when Spike winked at him and he realised it was a joke and his friend wasn’t actually annoyed.

‘Tell you what...’- Spike’s tone was intriguing and Alex took and extra moment to pay attention to what he was about to say- ‘...I’ll even race you downstairs!’ his distraction cost him. When he finished acknowledging what Spike has just said he could no longer see him, only hear him running down the stairs rapidly.

‘Oi! Unfair!’-he started getting up, both amused and frustrated- ‘That’s cheating!’ At least Spike had gotten out of bed. The voice he heard sounded distant; Alex could tell Spike had already reached the kitchen, on the bottom floor of the house for he could make out the sounds of plates and even the refrigerator door.

‘No it isn’t!’ – Spike yelled from downstairs and Alex started going down the stairs cheerfully in a not too rushed compass- ‘Now rush! We have like twenty minutes if we plan on making it there in time!’

…tHe bROken heaRt syndROme...

2007-11-22T22:38:00.001Z

…tHe bROken heaRt syndROme...

See all the screaming souls that wander
Throughout time in the dark
See the broken hearts that shattered
Bleed out through all their scars

They will no longer fall out
All they had was ripped away
Out the needles holding wounds
Hiding the solitude they take

Because right now nothing matters
What you've lived is in the past
And all your demons keep on hunting
For the mess they made will last

Craving what you never should
Lying to yourself from the start
Saying you're not supposed to
It's the syndrome of a broken heart

With all the secret lives they hold
The dirty secrets no one knows
Your heart then leys within your chest
And you've been dead all along…

by: nesS

...tHe day i diE...

2007-05-28T22:25:00.000+01:00

...tHe day i diE...

“cuz now I just can’t feel, so now I just won’t break
this is not a happy story, let me tell you about that day”

I see in you again
The tears you made me shed
I look at you again
And I keep wishing…

That I would die! Leave me here I wanna
Break in time! I don’t wish to fear so I’ll
Fall in line! I can’t bear to give in to you
I won’t break for you

I feel your eyes
Craving deep through mine
And I hear your voice
As it lies…

I will die(ie)! Leave me here I wanna
Break in time! I don’t wish to fear so I’ll
Fall in line! I won’t bear to give in to you
I won’t break for you

I won’t break for you
I won’t break for you
I won’t love you…!
Anymore…

Cuz I can’t bare to stare at you face when you smile
Cuz I die everyday when tears burst in your eyes
Cuz I cry when you say that is me you love!
Cuz I’ll break here today, cuz I can’t feel your touch

And I want you to know that this grief just won’t pass
That I wish you could know how it feels in my heart
when I miss you just so much it tears me apart!
This is the day I die...

I will die(ie)! Leave me here I wanna
(this is the day I die)
Break in time! I don’t wish to fear so I’ll
(the day I die)
Fall in line! I won’t bear to give in to you
(I die)
I won’t break for you…
(you, you…)

by: nesS

...diD yOu faLL...

2007-01-29T00:27:00.000Z

...diD yOu faLL...

gasping voices and dried up tears

stream down bodies with chained hearts

whispering memories with drowning fears

of the silent allowness they're part

emotional, the name and the lable

non conforming lifes hating loath

lost wandering souls who are hated

insecure child craving for love

did you fall? fom high above

did you let yourself crawl

resigning to the sad forces?

did you cry? glass cold eyes

did you wished you were not alive

giving in the long lost hope?

broken hearts that felt to pieces

confused minds that ripped down through

glancing flashes of wanted freedoom

from those whose lifes need love

emotional, the doom and the curse

shatered souls to whom they call, emo

desperate tries from those whose eyes

saw bloody tears in the mirror...

by: nesS

...cUz...

2006-12-25T03:45:00.000Z

...cUz...

Cuz just now i realized
Your importance in my life
Cuz though some don’t take it real
It does hurt like it, I feel
Cuz though some might think it’s fake
It stars to seem more like fate

Cuz I’m impatient and stupid
And couldn’t just let you be
Cuz I didn’t do what you asked
Now you broke up with me

Cuz I can’t yet admit it
And still hope you return
Cuz I can’t figure my head
Lost in confusing thoughts
Cuz I shouldn’t have, but though
I felt for you my love

Cuz I wanna say sorry
To have you with me again
Cuz I know I won’t stand this
Zach, will you still be my boyfriend?

Cuz I’d run heaven for you
Dear I’d rum hell if I had to
Cuz I feel so strongly about you
It’s hard for words to tell
Cuz I already miss your presence
And you’ve just been gone a while

Cuz I’ve been crying ever since
You told me you didn’t loved me
Cuz I’ve been dieing ever since
Little by little without thee

Cuz I’d catch a plain if I could
Directly to where you are
Cuz I can only bare to be away from you
When I’m sure you’re near by
Cuz I need you now , I mean it
And I want you to help me out

Cuz you healed my broken heart
Please don’t let it crack again
Cuz you fixed what was apart
And made it hold again

Cuz no one ever made me whole
Like you did me Zachary
Cuz no one ever had my soul
And my mind entirely
Cuz no one ever owned my all
And my heart’s only key

Cuz I realized I want you
I’m begging you to come back
Cuz it’s so hard to come home
And not have you waiting there

Cuz I got so attached to you
And you became a dearest friend
Cuz I can truly open up to you
You care for me and understand
Cuz I still want to protect you
Take care of my little man

Cuz I got addicted to holding you
And I miss your every kiss and fondle
Cuz I realized I loved you
Having you it’s all I wanted

Cuz you’re what I asked for Christmas
In my letter to Santa Claus
Cuz I said: “Please let us stay together,
Forever and after all”
Cuz you’re my fairy tail come true
Everything I needed now

Cuz I trusted you to take good care
Of what no one else could
Cuz I believed you to protect
And to guard me in your soul

Cuz I just don’t believe
That this is how it will end
Cuz you made me believe in love
And ever after happy days
Cuz you’re my little prince
That will make me a princess

Cuz I believe you still love me
And I’ll fight to get you back
Cuz I just miss hugging you
And cuddling in your chest...

by: nesS

(i do not care for what anyone may think, i did this poem so i'm not taking it back!
shame on me? no...shame on love)

...a pRinCesS...

2006-11-21T17:51:00.000Z

a pRinCesS

She was a princess
a queen between the others
She was perfection
the rule among the goddess

Her divine spirit
shined purity and love
Her divine features
made gods stare above

One day she came
down to the world of mortals
One day her heart
by a mere mortal was stolen

Somehow she looked
and saw what was an equal
Somehow she weak
by staring face to evil

A fallen angel from the sky
a simple creature of purity
A fallen angel by her side
ignoring her lightning beauty

The world woke up
at the first sign of passion
The world stopped and stared
so to see his next reaction

The boy approached
step by step, with no fear
The boy looked and faced
her eyes as they cleared

He whispered in her ear
words never before spoken
He whispered a tear
that would leave the girl broken

Now she knew
how hard it was to fear
Now she understood
that angels have to leave

He felt from above
and her fault it was
He felt all alone
because she loved him too much

She told him how she felt
her darkest fears inside
She told also herself
that she would never stop to try

He walked away
leaving her in grief
He walked alone
taking her heart as a thief

Then the princess cried
her angel was gone
Then the world died
their princess broke down

The chaos was everywhere
saddening every being alive
The chaos took her fear
and brought along the dark side…

by: nesS

...dOn’t GiVe Up On it aLL...

2006-10-28T23:21:00.000+01:00

dOn’t GiVe Up On it aLL

Sweeten angel
I can't bear to watch you fall
I'll give away my wings
If it someday could save your soul

I would cry for you
If you turned your back and went away
I couldn't bare to lose
So please don't turn your back and stay

Cuz I still want you
To be just here with me
Cuz I still need you
To take away my fears

Cuz I still feel you
When I need to be strong
Cuz I won’t forgive you
When you give up on it all

Dearest friend
Do you ever mind watching me fall
Don't be afraid of me
I will wipe out every tear you drop

I won’t take on much long
Destroying all my wants and dreams
Despite of what's to come
Dare the one that takes you away from me

Cuz I still want you
To be just here with me
Cuz i still need you
To take away my fears

Cuz I still feel you
When I need to be strong
Cuz I won’t forgive you
When you give up on it all

And I'll be here now
Don't give up on it all
And I'll be somehow
Don't give up on it all

The friend you'll need
Don't give up on it all
To keep you holding on
So Don't you give up on it all…

21H30
26/10/2006

...fOR mY anGeL...

by: nesS

...baLanCe...

2006-09-06T19:04:00.000+01:00

baLanCe

All over the world
There’s a balance between life
It’s love versus hate
It’s wrong against right

Wherever you go
Or whatever you see
You’ll always find humanity’s seek
The need for stability

Cuz the whole planet is black and white
There’s no grey
There’s no harmony
It’s just day or night

And we attempt to create balance
By putting opposites side by side

We either have pure people
Or rude people
There’s no perfection
No complete being or right direction

Ones rather give everything
While others would take it all

This is our reality
A world full of flaws
And imperfect piece of architecture
Of an unorganized law

This is our only known way of balance
When one undoes
What another one
Desperately tries to do

But if we all see it right
Why even bother
If everyone thinks this is how it should be like
Why not ignore it?

by: nesS

…dOOmeD wOrLD…

2006-07-27T12:58:00.000+01:00

…dOOmeD wOrLD…

why do we keep on fighting?
trying to make this life mean something
why do we keep on struggling?
finding reasons for useless purposes
aren't we all going to die anyway?
deeply there's no meaning for all this
just dreams of imaginary fantasies
and tears from when we feel betrayed
think hard and you'll find a hole
filled with trash that makes believe
lies that make us smile
faked smiles that make us cry
so why do we keep on fighting?
trying to make this world be something
why do we keep on struggling?
finding meanings for hopeless purposes

by:nesS

...fRee...(1)

2006-07-24T05:13:00.000+01:00

...fRee...
(1)

This is not a love song; neither a cruel poem of horror; is just something about someone who came finally free from thoughts and, it may seem strange, odd or even stupid, but the story I'm gonna tell, it's about me people...
About a little angel that came cross the line, felt for the dark side, and got afraid to go back... About a little girl that was scared by the light, by reality's burning eyes, and never truly knew why...
I've learned many things during the journey, and one of them: you do never fall for someone who does not or will not care!
Trust only yourself with your emotions; love only the ones who deserve it; believe a smile is worth it; believe happiness is not impossible...

by: nesS

...tHanK yOu...

2006-06-13T01:49:00.000+01:00

…tHanK yOu…

What in the world
Have I fucking done to you?
Did I let you down?
Did I let you drown?
Did I shoot you?
Please tell me
Cuz I’m confused
My head is fucking messed up
And it is all because of you
It seems you’re fucked up also
At least that’s what you said
I just seem to have some trouble
Figuring why is that?
Did you not get some help?
Or someone did not hold you?
Or maybe, I’d guess
You did not hear “I love you”?
Whatever the reason
It’s not my fault
Cuz no matter how I care
Or how I don’t
You push me down
Don’t hate me but
Rather if you did
At least don’t despise me
Have some respect!
For God’s sake
Act like a man!
You don’t have the guts to face me?
Is that it?
Or maybe
You’re just playing
Having fun
Talking some shit
Is that why?
Tell me
Cuz I don’t get it
You do not give a shit about me
But you were actually affected!
Are you tired of me?
Do you want me to unglue?
Cuz I really do not want you
And deep inside I knew
You were just fucking joking
Playing I must say
But you won’t ever play with me!
Did you hear what I said?

You will not mess me up
It’s not my fault dam it!
I’m not the one who ignores
Neither the one who fakes!
Some people
Say sometimes
“Your problem
Is not to go further”
“Your thing is
You stay behind”
“You never go for it”
And to them I answer:
Are you people sober?
I cannot step ahead
He’ll push me down to bottom!
So you do
And I can’t stand
That once they really get it
I hear: “Let it go”
“Forget him”
But they don’t understand
That I’d be glad if I could
But I can’!
Anyway just tell me
What is your fucking plan?
Make me hate you?
As I would
To make me suffer
And break me down
So that I’ll never
Be around?
Let me tell you
You’re not succeeding
You’re just losing something
Someone, a friend
Cuz I actually do
I care for you!
But do as you wish
Crush me if you must
One day
You’ll be all alone
Thinking back
And wondering why
Why did you throw me off?
And maybe you’ll realise
That I’m not actually alive!
So thank you darling
You made me die…

By: nesS

"...adORut..."

2006-06-04T23:39:00.000+01:00

“…adORut…”

“adorut!” perfeito, conciso; como da primeira vez que mo disseste. “adorut”, completo; repleto de momentos, palavras e pensamentos; “adorut”, oh palavra desperdiçada, sentida mas ignorada; “adorut” tal qual como o escreveste, “adorut”, não esqueci nem vou esquecer-te.
Porque é que parece tão complicado e obtuso, gritá-lo ao mundo?
É simplesmente profundo, e vasto, perdido em ventos que com o tempo o dissiparam; gasto, de tão pensado não foi dito. Porquê?
Pois se não o disse, digo agora. “adorut”!
“adorut, adorut, adorut, adorut!”, tanto que me canso.
Cansaço, é isso, isso e saudade, muita, imensa.
Porque palavras como esta não devem ser escondidas; porque é crime que fiquem desditas, omitidas; porque se nunca to disse realmente digo agora, “adorut!”, por tudo e por nada; “adorut!”, mais do que a tua mente encara, finge e renega; “adorut!”, mesmo que o tenhas esquecido, apodrecido e poeirento, sei que conheces o sentimento; sei que mesmo que não o saibas, não caiu no esquecimento.
E por tudo o que não foi; e pelo que não devia ter sido; porque para mim “adorut” é a palavra que faz sentido; eu digo, “adorut!”; sem medo nem receio; “adorut” e tu sabes disso! Então porque é que não o dizes?
Uma vez, e mais nenhuma, ouvi dos teus lábios esta palavra; uma única vez a tua voz entoou as sílabas; “adorut”, tímido e discreto; escondido e secreto; abafado e traiçoeiro, um “adorut” verdadeiro.

By: nesS

...fOR aLL i neeD...

2006-05-31T21:16:00.000+01:00

…fOR aLL i neeD…

For all I fear is just this
A silent moment in time
A screaming action of mine
A drowning sea of bloody tears

For all I know is just lost
Secluded from life as it is known
Secretly hidden in flux
Somewhere in someplace quite far

For all I see is just dust
Burning thoughts ripping trough
Broken memories and shattered trust
Blanked hurting flashbacks of you

By: nesS

...taLk abOUt OppOSiteS...

2006-05-29T21:44:00.000+01:00

…taLk abOUt OppOSiteS…

-------------------- }{ --------------------

…mY peRfeCt dReaM…

Just seeing you
Leaves me breathless
Just hearing you
Leaves me restless
Just smelling you
Leaves me winding
Just loving you
Leaves me smiling
You’re my sin
My most and everything
You’re him
My perfect dream

-------------------- }{ --------------------

…Ok tHen…

ok then...leave!
don't excuse, don't betray
don't waste yourself
just go away
don't complain, don't annoy
don't make suffer
just turn and run
don't speak, don't bother
don't try too hard
just ignore it
don't feel, don't share
don't live then!
see if I care...

-------------------- }{ --------------------

by: nesS

...dOn't gO...

2006-05-21T12:13:00.000+01:00

…dOn’t gO…

See you there
And I can’t bare
Trying to
Touch your hand
When I know I can’t
Make you smile
But can’t make you mine
Thought I wanna hug you
Feel you close
And hold you tight
I can’t have you
You won’t be mine

I look at you
And dream awake
Close my eyes
I see your face
I need you
For all my life
I want you here
Right by my side
I try to breath
I try to sleep
But I can’t
You’re on my head

I want you here
Don’t leave me
Please
Don’t make me die
Stay with
I can’t see you go
Can’t stand the pain
I wanna go with you
Along to nowhere
Somewhere
As long as you're there
I’ll hold myself

You smile to me
You speak to me
Touch my hand
But yours I cant
Someone pick me
I’m crying
I see you go
What if you don’t
Come back to me
What if you go
Far somewhere
And disappear?

by: nesS

...yOu...

2006-05-17T07:54:00.000+01:00

...yOu...

You’re the wood that crisps,
in the flames of my heart
You’re the one I miss,
when I’m alone in the night
You’re the sun in the garden,
where I live and make part
You’re the missing piece of the puzzle,
that reconstructs my heart
You’re part of our world,
you’re the other half…
I have my own world,
and a world for me and you
And now you became a part,
of my own world too
Our world is just perfect,
mine is just crashing
It’s a world where you and I are just one,
and there is no everyone
Our world is you and me,
no one else exists
I fell in love with our world,
not with you I think…
I was amazed by the fusion,
of me and my illusion,
I wanted it to last for ever,
‘cause I’d never felt better
So there I was happier as could be,
while in my world I was burning within
It’s like when you’re here,
everyone else disappears
When you’re there,
I just feel so sad again
When you return,
my wounds heal and I feel happy as never
I wish that I could stay that way forever,
but you prefer yourself
Or maybe someone else,
to share your world with
I’m just not a part of your life,
and you’ve became mine
I have nowhere else to turn,
I’m falling apart
I’m writing a book,
the book of my life
And it’s just the saddest story,
everybody dies
Everyone is myself,
and all the selves I am
And all of them are going the same way,
they’re darkening inside
They are living in shadow land,
where to everyone we’re ghosts
No one notices our suffering,
we’re just muttering something
About how life has betrayed us,
and how flowers have parched
‘Cause without sun in the garden,
without wood in the fire
Everything finishes,
there’s nothing left
And you just move on,
like nothing’s going on
While I die at your feet,
crawling for your need
Begging to be wanted,
dieing to be something
And you just ignore me…

by: nesS

...a wOrLD fOR yOuRSeLf...

2006-03-26T03:05:00.000+01:00

...a wOrLD fOR yOuRSeLf...

People betray you
and people lie to you...
And then,
When everything is wrong,
And your world is falling apart,
You can always count…
On yourself

Cause when no one cares,
When nobody listens,
And everyone seems,
To be too busy,
You just need to be there…
For yourself

When you just don’t belong,
And nobody wants you,
When you’re just too hurt,
To deal with the world
Make your own world…
Make your own rules…
And be yourself…

This world is cold…
This world is cruel…
This world…
Is a fucked place…
But the worst in it
It’s us…

If you don’t like it,
Change it…
If you want it,
Keep it…
You can do whatever you want…
You can make it your world...
You…and yourself…

So
If somehow,
Everybody turn their back on you…
Remember…
It’s your world…
And only you can rule it…

by: nesS

..vOLta pRa MiM...

2006-03-08T00:15:00.000Z

...vOLta pRa MiM...

Como é possível
Depois de tanto tempo
O que eu ainda recordo
no fundo do pensamento
A tua presença
Junto à minha
És tu a luz
Que me guia noite e dia
És a verdade
Que eu quero alcançar
És a saudade
Que eu quero matar
És e serás
A chama que me consome
És a vida que há em mim
És a minha fome
És todo o poder
Toda a força que possuo
És a meu ver
Aquele que eu procuro
Quero alcançar a tua mão
Quero poder um dia
Entrar no teu coração
Quero quebrar todo esse gelo
Quero-te mostrar
Que o mundo pode ser belo
Peço-te que vejas
Que só te quero a ti
Declaro que te adoro e peço
Volta pra mim

Tu és o sol
Que ilumina a minha vida
És quem me abre a porta
num beco sem saída
é por ti que eu luto
é por ti que tanto sofro
sei que o mereces
tu e não qualquer outro
por mais que não o queiras
eu não deixo de sentir
Todo este fogo
Que me está a consumir
Quem mais eu temo
E quem mais eu adoro
É pra ti que eu rio
É por ti que eu choro
É culpa tua o que sofro
E só contigo sou feliz
Quero que entendas
Foi só a ti quem sempre quis
Para mim tu és o mundo
Para mim tu és o tudo
Por isso compreende o que escrevo
Pensa no que digo
Sei que não te entendo
Mas contigo eu consigo
Vejo um mundo que só te tem a ti
Declaro que te adoro e peço
Volta pra mim...

by: nesS

...tHEm...

2006-02-27T22:44:00.000Z

...tHEm...

they whisper, keep on saying the same thing
they hear me, keep on scaring them and me
they want me, keep on haunting all my dreams
they kill me, keep on bleeding from within

I just wanna run right now
I don’t know how to escape
But I still wanna go somehow
I don’t wanna be afraid

I gotta keep out from your space
you just want my soul
I gotta keep away your face
you just want my all

never ever sending me
to the hole that you carry
never ever using me
to fill it up forever

they whisper, keep on saying the same thing
they hear me, keep on scaring them and me
they want me, keep on haunting all my dreams
they kill me, keep on bleeding from within

they pick me up again
just to stay watching me fall
they kick me of again
just to laugh as I crawl

wanna hate them, I can’t
wanna fear them, I don’t
wanna feel them, I can’t
wanna leave them, I wont

I gotta get away for good
disappear in the shadow
I wanna go as you would
like I never even bother

by: nesS

...ReCaLLinG...

2006-02-20T22:36:00.000Z

...ReCaLLinG...

It feels like for ever
the last time you hold me in your arms
and said you loved me
But still a fresh memory
the last time you hold me tight
like you were afraid that I'd go away

The joy in your eyes
Every time you hugged me
The fear in you soul
Every time you had to let go

You looked deep into my eyes
and protected me
like I was the most precious thing in the world
Like a fragile flower
a beautiful flower
that you wanted to see glow

So you’d just seat there, looking
and then you’d approach, smiling
and hold my hands between yours
And put your arms around me
And hold me tight so I could see
that you cared about me

That your eyes weren’t lying
You had a joyful glow around you
that would only come with my presence
An aura that protected me
and made me the most precious

by: nesS

...sOme feeLinG...

2006-02-05T00:42:00.000Z

É não ter nada que fazer e não querer fazer nada…
É o grito frustrado que soltamos no desespero…
Uma confusão constante…
Uma solidão imensa…
É quando damos conta de que nada faz sentido…
Que tudo está perdido…
Quando nosso mundo gira mais rápido do que o vemos…
Quando a nossa cabeça explode…
Quando nos perdemos dentro de nos próprios e não nos conseguimos encontrar…
É precisar de companhia e querer estar só…
É estar no fundo do poço sem forças para nos voltarmos a levantar…
É perder a esperança…
É desistir da luta…
Quando tudo parece ser inútil…
Quando nada resulta…
Um vazio inexplicável…
Uma ferida profunda e indolor…
É chorar sem motivo aparente…
Quando a acumulação de dor nos faz parar de a sentir…
É querer sair do buraco sem procurar a solução…
Quando desistimos de procurar a saída e nos viciamos na escuridão…
Quando a felicidade é inalcançável…
É não saber mais como expressar vida…
Quando emanamos constantemente uma expressão vazia…
Quando nos sentimos distantes…
É estar á parte de tudo e não saber o caminho de volta…
É saber que já nada se sente…
É como passear um corpo sem vida…
Quando a nossa alma divaga sem rumo…

by nesS

...frUstRatiOn...

2006-01-03T18:58:00.000Z

frUstRatiOn

We’re living in a world
Where no one understands you
No one cares
They don’t give a shit for what you do
Or who you are
What you’re standing for
Everybody just cares about themselves
We should do the same
Cause it’s just one fucking world
Where the war is straight
The battle is tuff
And in the end
You’re fighting yourself
And everything you stand for
Went down
You’re all alone with your thoughts
And the only thing you think about
Is how to repair this mess
This shit you put yourself into
But what do you come up with?
Nothing
Cause you destroyed your own trust
Your own power
You destroyed what was left of the war
You destroyed your soul in the battle
And now
You don’t have a thing to fight for
It’s over
.......

by nesS

...paLavRaS...

2005-12-19T06:53:00.000Z

olho a vida de frente,

mas vivo no passado do meu próprio pensamento...

expresso-me pela escrita e divago num mundo de ideias

onde as palavras me guiam...

uma homenagem a elas:

palavras...não mais que meras suposições do subconsciente...exprimem o que se sente, o que não se sente, o que se pensa ser sentido, e o que se quer sentir...

o pior é que o significado destas nem sempre é o desejado... há quem fale por falar...ou por uma simples necessidade de deixar fluir a imaginação para que não nos percamos nos nossos próprios dramas...

viver a fantasia do pensamento...alargar os desejos às imagens...e associa-las a momentos que ficaram gravados na memória do nosso coração...

um sentir sem sentido...uma libertação expressiva de pensamentos, que cultiva em nós a sabedoria do inexistente…

uma tentativa vã de conhecimento…a que nos agarramos no desespero de dar um significado à nossa existência...